What to Expect When You're Expecting, Dad Version

I have two friends who are both about to be new fathers. Of course, I have taken several opportunities to razz them about their impending doom…I mean soon-to-be blessing. Since I’ve had some fun at their expense it is only fair to balance it out with some fatherly wisdom.

Admittedly, my perception could be a bit…skewed. I am what the Bedouins call Abu el Banat, or “father of daughters”. In their culture these men are treated with the utmost kindness and respect for their burden is heavy…..Tell me ‘bout it.

Ok, so here’s what I’ve got:

Babies

Once you get past the fact they are letting you take another human being out of the hospital to keep, without a license or certification of some kind, you’ll be fine…kinda. Put those thoughts of a 90 day cash back return out of your mind, all sales are final. Buyer’s remorse is moot.

The basics (repeat frequently 24/7/365): feed ‘em, change ‘em, bathe ‘em, clothe ‘em, don’t forget where you put ‘em (that one is important) take pictures, pictures, pictures, drive ‘em all over to meet family. Prepare to carry bags and bags of everything you need everywhere you go. It would help to grow an extra set of arms. Turn your hip into a shelf to sit them on, cuz you’re carrying them everywhere.

Be prepared to draw attention from strangers everywhere you go. You’re a spectacle now. Tell the nice waiter or waitress you're sorry about the mess before you even order because you might forget later.

You know those people that say their dogs are their “babies”? Its best not to have anything sharp in your hand when you’re around them.

Don’t forget to smell baby’s head after a bath. That’s got to be the best smell ever.



Sleeping (and lack thereof) has to be mentioned here. I hope you’re not too attached to slumber. I'm sure you knew that, but here's something you might not be keen on and this is important --> If Mom is in the vicinity (make that the area code) don’t try to “catch a nap”, just don’t do it man. No matter how tired you think you are you can never be as tired as She. Don’t even try to sneak one in, somehow She can tell.

Sometimes it helps to have a big sister around...



other times it doesn't.



Money – oh so sorry, you’re poor now. The sooner you come to terms with it, the easier it will be. Despite the obvious efficiency, you can’t actually feed the kid money.



Toddlers

We do not bargain with terrorists is easy to say, hard to do.

If DANGER is point A and TODDLER is point B, how long do you think it takes for these points to intersect? You’re wrong, it’s faster than that.



Prepare for the “I DO IT MYSELF!” phase even if it takes them 20 minutes instead of 5 and you’re already 20 minutes late. I don’t know if you were punctual before, but you’re not anymore.



Mess – you've created a professional mess maker, a true artisan, and now you must deal with the consequences. I don’t know if you were a “clean freak” before, but that will surely be beaten from your psyche. It’s a war of attrition and my money is on the kid. Sometimes you just have to say eff it, let 'em messify, even if it is with paint.



Closely related to MESS is TOYS – you should probably just plan on moving out of your house, there’s no room for you anymore. You know those rooms you quaintly call other things like; living room, den, dinning room and master bedroom? That’s gone now. Its all "toy storage" or "children's annex".



Christmas is pretty awesome though.





Potty Training – Ugh, I haven’t the strength to describe….you’ll see. I will say I considered suing the makers of Diaper Genie for false advertising and really instilling false hope (this is especially sinister since hope is in such small supply).



The fact is that there’s no Genie that magically appears to change the diaper for you. That’s bull, all this thing does is twist up the garbage bag.



Don't forget to rake up a big pile of leaves and let 'em go to town.



Preteen and Teenagers

What the hell do I know? I’m Abu el Banat, I know that much.

Drama – what to wear, my hair, text, text, text, who said what about whom, you’re wrong, no you are, no you are, no….Dad, can we (insert an infinite number of things) I’mmmmm boooooored. Oh yes, there's drama.

Its a a bit of an allegory, but it goes a little something like this:



Occasionally the calamity is interrupted by a genuine act of kindness, moment of insight or other gesture that lets you know you might be doing something right. Blind squirrel, meet nut.

Report cards – the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

Boys – Grrr. I know you. I was you. You get outta here.



Go on, git.
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Its an uphill battle for sure, but the cool part is they make you realize that you can love someone more than you thought was humanly possible.

The End (and the Beginning).