The Most Complicated Haircut Ever

I'm a simple guy.

This is particularly evident in my sense of style (or lack thereof). I typically have no idea if this matches that or anything else. In truth, Garanimals for adults would do me just fine. I could match up the tags and be on my way.



In keeping with my Spartan theme (minus the abs of course) I don't need my personal hygene products to be mountain fresh or whisper hints of spring meadows. I don't know what a emulent is or does - nor do I care. I want this: dirty/stinky --> clean/not stinky. Thank God I'm married to a wonderful woman who provides all these things or I don't know what I'd do. When I need a haircut my basic criteria is: hair is long ---> make hair short ---> no looky like the Flock of Seagulls guy. That's it, that's all.




For years I went to a old friend of mine I've known since Kindergarten (when I wore Garanimals) for my haircuts. It was great. She knew what I liked (shorter hair) and things always went off without a hitch, but then the rug got pulled right out from under me. She, without concern for my follicles, up and moved away. Something about her fiance taking a job in KC and blah, blah, blah.

Grrrr. What to do now? Well, since my outcome measure for success is pretty rudimentary it shouldn't be too hard to find a suitable replacement, right? I can't say the search was a long one, it basically boiled down to me walking into the same well known chain where I used to get my haircut by my friend before she went out on her own. We'll call the place Creat Glips.

So about a month ago I walk into Creat Glips, where I've been several times with varying amounts of "success". I recognize a few of the stylists but not enough to request one by name (not that I would do that anyway). So the way I now roll is: you spins the wheel and ya takes ya chances...

It cracks me up when you walk in and they ask, "What can we do for you today?"

"Well, I'd like to the oil changed in my car and I need the shirt I'm wearing dry cleaned."

No, you don't want to irritate the person that is about to shape your head with a sharp metal implement, so I just say, "I'd like a haircut, please."

A lady I've never had before walks me back to the hairchair and then things start to get complicated -- and weird. First, she rolls my shirt collar all the way inside my shirt. Hmm, never had that happen before, but at least now I look like a mental patient - one with no hair on his shirt collar.

"There, isn't that better?"

(better than what, I think)

"Uh, yes...thanks"

"Now, what can we do for you?"

(that again?)

"Its been awhile so I need a lot cut off."

"You usually use a #2 on the clipper"

"Ah, yeah I think so"

"How high on the sides do you want me to go up?"

"Pretty high" (makes rough hand signal)

"Do you want it blended in?"

"Uhm, yes"

"Well, if I go that high it will stick out, do you want that?"

"No, I don't want it to stick out."

This begins a whole string of options, of which I couldn't begin to enumerate. She confused me, the myriad of choices and technical information was just overwhelming. I was flustered so I said, "Just do what you think will look best." I knew that was a big risk, but what was I gonna do man?! I'm stuck in the hairchair now, all pumped up off the floor with my collar folded inside out and a trashbag draped over me. I suppose I couldda made a break for it or faked a seizure or something, but other than something drastic I was strapped in and along for the ride.

(Enough with the questions lady CUT MY HAIR and get it over with.)

"Ok, do you want me to take off a 1/4 inch, a 1/2 inch or 3/4 inch off the top?"

"I don't know, whatever looks best."

Ok, well I'll do this and then that and then I'll (insert some technique here) and I'll fancy-fancy-somethingerruther the sides

(CUT IT)

She spent more time snipping this and trimming that than could ever be necessary. She even spent an exorbitant amount of time trimming off the neck fuzz. She got back across the room to eyeball the neckline like she was some master artisan about to put the final touches on her masterpiece.

"Anything else?"

"No, thank you" (what "else" could there possibly be?)

At the register she asked if I need anything else again and then told me, "Don't forget your receipt, it has your money back guarantee."

(And just what would I need a guarantee for? Huh, what?! In case it all grows back overnight?!)

"Oh, thanks, bye."

---- time goes by -----

Earlier this week I went back to that same Creat Glips, because after all that she didn't even cut very much hair off my damn head. I walked in and surveyed the stylist situation. Hmm, she just got started......she looks like she's going on break......

"What can we do for you today?"

(with much trepidation) "I'd like a haircut, please."

I look around, the Mad Hair Scientist is nowhere in sight.

"Okay, it'll be just a few minutes."

"Thanks." (looks like I'm in the clear)

Then..........here she comes........she's going to the front desk.....

(You could walk out)

"Brian?"

(Walk)

"Brian?"

(Walk, Stupid)

"Yes, that's me."

"Great, welcome to Creat Glips."

I had a different strategy this time. Just say yes to everything.

-- folded collar --

"#2 on the clippers?"

"Yes"

"Stay pretty low on the sides?"

"Yes"

"1/4 inch, 1/2 inch, 3/4 inch off the top?"

"Yes"

"Which one Hon?"

"Oh, the middle choice"

"1/2?"

"Yes"

On and on we went. She got back across the room again to view my neck. I don't know why she needs to do that, my neck isn't that big. I was waiting for her to pull out one of those land survey tripods.



My Yes strategy was relatively successful, that coupled with the fact I knew what to expect reduced anxiety dramatically.

I should probably mention neither time did I get a bad haircut. I just wasn't prepared for all the decisions I would have to make and the information I would need to process.

I can't help feeling that, after only two haircuts from this very nice lady, I am only a few credits shy of being a beautician myself. With the economy in the dumpster that could come in handy.

Now I know I will just have to plan my cuts well in advance, driving to KC is a long way to go....