Thursday, April 16, 2009

Have You Run Over Anyone Today?

I think I'll run over a couple of people with my car on my way to work today.

I mean, why not? Since it only costs $35 dollars it is a relatively cheap stress reliever. I'm not sure if $35 exclusively covers running over cyclists or if walkers and people rolling those little motorized scooters would be more or less coin. Maybe I can get a group rate if I run over a bunch of people, or a 2-for-1 deal. I'd better find out where the deals are before I go all Mad Max, otherwise this hobby could get pretty expensive.

Since cyclists aren't really people, typically not having friends and family, I doubt anyone would miss them. As an added incentive, cyclists rarely make a positive contribution to society so picking a few off could be considered clearing out the dead weight.

I've started a fund to finance mowing down side of the road irritants and at this point I can afford to make up to 10 people my personal speed bumps. So, be warned - if I'm 5 minutes late and texting someone while changing the radio station or - you know what - even if I just don't like the look of you -

it's so on.

I've got the money, the car, the patience of a gnat on crack and the moral compass of a third world dictator.

Oh yeah, I'm pretty set. It's runnin' over time.

What do the cyclists have? Flimsy aluminum or carbon fiber, lycra (which just makes me want to run over them even more) and an occasional "share the road" sign.

No contest: Toot, toot, beep, beep Scumbag comin' though.

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