For starters I’m focusing on the indisputable fact that we’ve completely run out of ideas for reality shows. Isn’t it ironic that we’re running out of reality? Maybe not as ironic as Alanis’ song “Ironic” being mostly devoid of irony, but still….When a show about two Iowa boys rummaging through old barns and garages for rusty junk is a runaway hit, you know the end must be near.
TO and Ocho Cinco have dating shows. Yeah, I get it; these guys have trouble meeting women. I guess one of them is named Ocho Cinco.
The MALL OF AMERICA security has a show (yes, MALL cops have a show). They authoritatively cross their arms and stuff.
I will say they do have an inexhaustible supply of topics - Episode 21: The Gum Stuck Under the Table Caper. Episode 22: Runaway Shopping Cart in the Parking Lot.
This show reminds me of the first time I went to the MALL. A buddy from the area was showing me and another friend around. He was quite proud of the facility which inspired him to keep spouting off MALL factoids such as the number of shops, total square feet and how long it would take you to visit every shop. I just kept saying, “I don’t think it’s that big” and “Yep, it’s definitely about the size of Merle Hay”. This made our tour guide quietly fume a bit, which was the object of the game. Now the MALL “cops” have a show. I guess he gets the last laugh.
Next, The Real Wives of (fill in the Blank) shows are irritatingly ubiquitous. I do think “real” is a bit of a misnomer. These programs feature a wholly different brand of “real” wife from what I’m used to seeing (careful now, thin ice directly ahead). Oh sure, I could write a little ditty about making a “Real Wives of Polk County” show. The compare and contrast of our ladies to those primped, poofed and orangy spray tanned broads might even be funny, but then again you don’t live at my house do you?
No, you don’t.
It just-so happens a real wife of Polk County does live at my house and I don’t want to have to move to another county.
Moving on...having 6,7,8,9 kids all at once, or 19 over the course of several years, does NOT qualify you as must see TV. In contrast, pretending to float your kid 5,000 feet in the air in a balloon might qualify your crazy ass for the airwaves, provided the show airs from jail.
Lastly, I guess two or three cake shows just wasn’t enough. Now there’s multiple cupcake spinoffs. I’m sure the studio execs got together and said, “You know these cake shows are strangely popular, but they’re getting a little stale so, I’ve come up with the next best thing in bakery based broadcasting.........(dramatic pause as the underlings prepare to be dazzled and)……….we do smaller cakes and….wait-for-it……..put them in cups!
Underlings: Ingenious.
Execs: I know.
Execs: Then, to zazz it up a bit more, we will put “Wars” or “Battle” in the title.
Underlings: Glorious.
Call me old fashioned but if its going to be a “war” or “battle” shouldn't those frosted little delights explode or something? I mean, frag some snooty lady with an actual sugar bomb and you might have something worth watching.
Until then…..
Enough already.
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