but this is a FLAMING TORNADO OF DEATH.
Its a TORNADO and its made of FIRE. That just can't be safe.
So, the next time you're thinking "Dang, its humid out here" or "I wish it weren't so overcast", just be thankful there isn't - oh I dunno - a FIRE TORNADO.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
A Small, But Full, Circle
Dear Springbrook State Park,
You were the campground of my youth, but I haven't seen you in 25 years.
Even though I was here all the time as a boy, I doubt you remember me.
That's ok, I remember you.
Your lake for swimming and fishing,
your creeks for wading,
your trails for exploration.
Lots has changed since we last saw each other.
I'm grown now, with a family of my own. I'm sorry, introducing them to you is long overdue, but Dad coming along really plugs the ends together, doesn't it? After all, he started it.
You remind me that, if you're lucky, life's best moments recycle. A simple, beautiful place - like a campground - can complete a circuit in your soul.
Yes, you are just like I remember. Riding my bike on your trails, wading in your creeks with my kids and soaking up the campfire with my Dad - you give all these things without hesitation. You do this for my family, as well as countless others, every summer as the years march on.
Thanks Springbrook, you're the best.
Sincerely,
Brian
You were the campground of my youth, but I haven't seen you in 25 years.
Even though I was here all the time as a boy, I doubt you remember me.
That's ok, I remember you.
Your lake for swimming and fishing,
your creeks for wading,
your trails for exploration.
Lots has changed since we last saw each other.
I'm grown now, with a family of my own. I'm sorry, introducing them to you is long overdue, but Dad coming along really plugs the ends together, doesn't it? After all, he started it.
You remind me that, if you're lucky, life's best moments recycle. A simple, beautiful place - like a campground - can complete a circuit in your soul.
Yes, you are just like I remember. Riding my bike on your trails, wading in your creeks with my kids and soaking up the campfire with my Dad - you give all these things without hesitation. You do this for my family, as well as countless others, every summer as the years march on.
Thanks Springbrook, you're the best.
Sincerely,
Brian
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Enough Already, Volume 1
Sometimes I just get fed up. Since this happens periodically I think “Enough Already” might turn into a multi-volume installment of crotchety complaining.
For starters I’m focusing on the indisputable fact that we’ve completely run out of ideas for reality shows. Isn’t it ironic that we’re running out of reality? Maybe not as ironic as Alanis’ song “Ironic” being mostly devoid of irony, but still….When a show about two Iowa boys rummaging through old barns and garages for rusty junk is a runaway hit, you know the end must be near.
TO and Ocho Cinco have dating shows. Yeah, I get it; these guys have trouble meeting women. I guess one of them is named Ocho Cinco.
The MALL OF AMERICA security has a show (yes, MALL cops have a show). They authoritatively cross their arms and stuff.
I will say they do have an inexhaustible supply of topics - Episode 21: The Gum Stuck Under the Table Caper. Episode 22: Runaway Shopping Cart in the Parking Lot.
This show reminds me of the first time I went to the MALL. A buddy from the area was showing me and another friend around. He was quite proud of the facility which inspired him to keep spouting off MALL factoids such as the number of shops, total square feet and how long it would take you to visit every shop. I just kept saying, “I don’t think it’s that big” and “Yep, it’s definitely about the size of Merle Hay”. This made our tour guide quietly fume a bit, which was the object of the game. Now the MALL “cops” have a show. I guess he gets the last laugh.
Next, The Real Wives of (fill in the Blank) shows are irritatingly ubiquitous. I do think “real” is a bit of a misnomer. These programs feature a wholly different brand of “real” wife from what I’m used to seeing (careful now, thin ice directly ahead). Oh sure, I could write a little ditty about making a “Real Wives of Polk County” show. The compare and contrast of our ladies to those primped, poofed and orangy spray tanned broads might even be funny, but then again you don’t live at my house do you?
No, you don’t.
It just-so happens a real wife of Polk County does live at my house and I don’t want to have to move to another county.
Moving on...having 6,7,8,9 kids all at once, or 19 over the course of several years, does NOT qualify you as must see TV. In contrast, pretending to float your kid 5,000 feet in the air in a balloon might qualify your crazy ass for the airwaves, provided the show airs from jail.
Lastly, I guess two or three cake shows just wasn’t enough. Now there’s multiple cupcake spinoffs. I’m sure the studio execs got together and said, “You know these cake shows are strangely popular, but they’re getting a little stale so, I’ve come up with the next best thing in bakery based broadcasting.........(dramatic pause as the underlings prepare to be dazzled and)……….we do smaller cakes and….wait-for-it……..put them in cups!
Underlings: Ingenious.
Execs: I know.
Execs: Then, to zazz it up a bit more, we will put “Wars” or “Battle” in the title.
Underlings: Glorious.
Call me old fashioned but if its going to be a “war” or “battle” shouldn't those frosted little delights explode or something? I mean, frag some snooty lady with an actual sugar bomb and you might have something worth watching.
Until then…..
Enough already.
For starters I’m focusing on the indisputable fact that we’ve completely run out of ideas for reality shows. Isn’t it ironic that we’re running out of reality? Maybe not as ironic as Alanis’ song “Ironic” being mostly devoid of irony, but still….When a show about two Iowa boys rummaging through old barns and garages for rusty junk is a runaway hit, you know the end must be near.
TO and Ocho Cinco have dating shows. Yeah, I get it; these guys have trouble meeting women. I guess one of them is named Ocho Cinco.
The MALL OF AMERICA security has a show (yes, MALL cops have a show). They authoritatively cross their arms and stuff.
I will say they do have an inexhaustible supply of topics - Episode 21: The Gum Stuck Under the Table Caper. Episode 22: Runaway Shopping Cart in the Parking Lot.
This show reminds me of the first time I went to the MALL. A buddy from the area was showing me and another friend around. He was quite proud of the facility which inspired him to keep spouting off MALL factoids such as the number of shops, total square feet and how long it would take you to visit every shop. I just kept saying, “I don’t think it’s that big” and “Yep, it’s definitely about the size of Merle Hay”. This made our tour guide quietly fume a bit, which was the object of the game. Now the MALL “cops” have a show. I guess he gets the last laugh.
Next, The Real Wives of (fill in the Blank) shows are irritatingly ubiquitous. I do think “real” is a bit of a misnomer. These programs feature a wholly different brand of “real” wife from what I’m used to seeing (careful now, thin ice directly ahead). Oh sure, I could write a little ditty about making a “Real Wives of Polk County” show. The compare and contrast of our ladies to those primped, poofed and orangy spray tanned broads might even be funny, but then again you don’t live at my house do you?
No, you don’t.
It just-so happens a real wife of Polk County does live at my house and I don’t want to have to move to another county.
Moving on...having 6,7,8,9 kids all at once, or 19 over the course of several years, does NOT qualify you as must see TV. In contrast, pretending to float your kid 5,000 feet in the air in a balloon might qualify your crazy ass for the airwaves, provided the show airs from jail.
Lastly, I guess two or three cake shows just wasn’t enough. Now there’s multiple cupcake spinoffs. I’m sure the studio execs got together and said, “You know these cake shows are strangely popular, but they’re getting a little stale so, I’ve come up with the next best thing in bakery based broadcasting.........(dramatic pause as the underlings prepare to be dazzled and)……….we do smaller cakes and….wait-for-it……..put them in cups!
Underlings: Ingenious.
Execs: I know.
Execs: Then, to zazz it up a bit more, we will put “Wars” or “Battle” in the title.
Underlings: Glorious.
Call me old fashioned but if its going to be a “war” or “battle” shouldn't those frosted little delights explode or something? I mean, frag some snooty lady with an actual sugar bomb and you might have something worth watching.
Until then…..
Enough already.
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