The Most Complicated Haircut Ever

I'm a simple guy.

This is particularly evident in my sense of style (or lack thereof). I typically have no idea if this matches that or anything else. In truth, Garanimals for adults would do me just fine. I could match up the tags and be on my way.



In keeping with my Spartan theme (minus the abs of course) I don't need my personal hygene products to be mountain fresh or whisper hints of spring meadows. I don't know what a emulent is or does - nor do I care. I want this: dirty/stinky --> clean/not stinky. Thank God I'm married to a wonderful woman who provides all these things or I don't know what I'd do. When I need a haircut my basic criteria is: hair is long ---> make hair short ---> no looky like the Flock of Seagulls guy. That's it, that's all.




For years I went to a old friend of mine I've known since Kindergarten (when I wore Garanimals) for my haircuts. It was great. She knew what I liked (shorter hair) and things always went off without a hitch, but then the rug got pulled right out from under me. She, without concern for my follicles, up and moved away. Something about her fiance taking a job in KC and blah, blah, blah.

Grrrr. What to do now? Well, since my outcome measure for success is pretty rudimentary it shouldn't be too hard to find a suitable replacement, right? I can't say the search was a long one, it basically boiled down to me walking into the same well known chain where I used to get my haircut by my friend before she went out on her own. We'll call the place Creat Glips.

So about a month ago I walk into Creat Glips, where I've been several times with varying amounts of "success". I recognize a few of the stylists but not enough to request one by name (not that I would do that anyway). So the way I now roll is: you spins the wheel and ya takes ya chances...

It cracks me up when you walk in and they ask, "What can we do for you today?"

"Well, I'd like to the oil changed in my car and I need the shirt I'm wearing dry cleaned."

No, you don't want to irritate the person that is about to shape your head with a sharp metal implement, so I just say, "I'd like a haircut, please."

A lady I've never had before walks me back to the hairchair and then things start to get complicated -- and weird. First, she rolls my shirt collar all the way inside my shirt. Hmm, never had that happen before, but at least now I look like a mental patient - one with no hair on his shirt collar.

"There, isn't that better?"

(better than what, I think)

"Uh, yes...thanks"

"Now, what can we do for you?"

(that again?)

"Its been awhile so I need a lot cut off."

"You usually use a #2 on the clipper"

"Ah, yeah I think so"

"How high on the sides do you want me to go up?"

"Pretty high" (makes rough hand signal)

"Do you want it blended in?"

"Uhm, yes"

"Well, if I go that high it will stick out, do you want that?"

"No, I don't want it to stick out."

This begins a whole string of options, of which I couldn't begin to enumerate. She confused me, the myriad of choices and technical information was just overwhelming. I was flustered so I said, "Just do what you think will look best." I knew that was a big risk, but what was I gonna do man?! I'm stuck in the hairchair now, all pumped up off the floor with my collar folded inside out and a trashbag draped over me. I suppose I couldda made a break for it or faked a seizure or something, but other than something drastic I was strapped in and along for the ride.

(Enough with the questions lady CUT MY HAIR and get it over with.)

"Ok, do you want me to take off a 1/4 inch, a 1/2 inch or 3/4 inch off the top?"

"I don't know, whatever looks best."

Ok, well I'll do this and then that and then I'll (insert some technique here) and I'll fancy-fancy-somethingerruther the sides

(CUT IT)

She spent more time snipping this and trimming that than could ever be necessary. She even spent an exorbitant amount of time trimming off the neck fuzz. She got back across the room to eyeball the neckline like she was some master artisan about to put the final touches on her masterpiece.

"Anything else?"

"No, thank you" (what "else" could there possibly be?)

At the register she asked if I need anything else again and then told me, "Don't forget your receipt, it has your money back guarantee."

(And just what would I need a guarantee for? Huh, what?! In case it all grows back overnight?!)

"Oh, thanks, bye."

---- time goes by -----

Earlier this week I went back to that same Creat Glips, because after all that she didn't even cut very much hair off my damn head. I walked in and surveyed the stylist situation. Hmm, she just got started......she looks like she's going on break......

"What can we do for you today?"

(with much trepidation) "I'd like a haircut, please."

I look around, the Mad Hair Scientist is nowhere in sight.

"Okay, it'll be just a few minutes."

"Thanks." (looks like I'm in the clear)

Then..........here she comes........she's going to the front desk.....

(You could walk out)

"Brian?"

(Walk)

"Brian?"

(Walk, Stupid)

"Yes, that's me."

"Great, welcome to Creat Glips."

I had a different strategy this time. Just say yes to everything.

-- folded collar --

"#2 on the clippers?"

"Yes"

"Stay pretty low on the sides?"

"Yes"

"1/4 inch, 1/2 inch, 3/4 inch off the top?"

"Yes"

"Which one Hon?"

"Oh, the middle choice"

"1/2?"

"Yes"

On and on we went. She got back across the room again to view my neck. I don't know why she needs to do that, my neck isn't that big. I was waiting for her to pull out one of those land survey tripods.



My Yes strategy was relatively successful, that coupled with the fact I knew what to expect reduced anxiety dramatically.

I should probably mention neither time did I get a bad haircut. I just wasn't prepared for all the decisions I would have to make and the information I would need to process.

I can't help feeling that, after only two haircuts from this very nice lady, I am only a few credits shy of being a beautician myself. With the economy in the dumpster that could come in handy.

Now I know I will just have to plan my cuts well in advance, driving to KC is a long way to go....

I tried to do the Du but the Du did me instead

The 3rd annual Dirty Duathlon took place this Sunday under beautiful fall skies in the picturesque Greenwood Park. A kids Du took place before the adult beginners took to a shortened - but still tough - course. In retrospect I shoudda competed in one of these events instead of the Open category I signed up for (although there were a few juniors that looked pretty rough and tumble).





The beginners ran one 2 mile lap and biked two 3.5 mile laps, which woudda been about right for me, but what's the fun in that? The Open was 1 lap run, 4 laps bike and 1 lap run. Ouchie.

I went back and forth on whether I wanted to even try this event, finally deciding only about 2 weeks before I would give it a go. With such a short lead time I didn't have much time to "train". I'm clearly not a racer of any kind and I really only run over the winter, when its too cold to bike. So I knew the running would be tough, but I thought the biking wouldn't be too bad. I was wrong about the biking. Rollercoaster wasn't bad at all, but the long first hill of Hillside and its whole backside (after the corner by the parking lot) was killer.

But hey, for my $25 entry fee I got:

1. Cool t-shirt
2. Sweet biking socks from the swag pile and
3. PAIN



I think Justin said it best when he said, "Four laps of Rollercoaster and Hillside?! There's just no reason to do that -- ever." I really wish I had talked to Justin before signing up, but I was not-so-lucky so.....off I go....

I swear, mere moments into the run up the first hill I thought to myself, "So, uhm, Self, quick question: WHY?!"



Not thinking of excuses to quit yet, but that's coming soon.
I knew I would have my usual adreneline dump leaving me drained early on and indeed I did.

Some pictures borrowed from Justin



The course was very hilly and the Hillside portion seemed to never end. On the third bike lap I was so gassed I had to walk my bike up the first big hill leading into Rollercoaster and up the switchbacks after the creek. About 2/3rd's through my third lap of Hillside I washed out my front tire in a sandy turn and went down very lightly, but my hamstring cramped up on me hardcore. It took me a minute to stretch it out enough to stand up straight. I decided at that point I would finish my third bike lap and call it a day.



Tired, berry berry tired.



Jackie and the kids came out to cheer me on. Their support really helped, I could hear Jackie yelling at me (I usually don't like that) even after clearing the transition area and heading up the hill. Squirrel, Justin, Ryan, Hal, Sam and Steve all shouting encouragement was great too. Its pretty cool to be part of the mountain bike community now after peddling many years on my own or just with Corey.

When I rolled into the transition Jackie asked if I was done and I said I was. She congratulated me on doing the run and 4 bike laps. "No, I only did 3". She insisted, "I think you did 4." Justin came by a few minutes later and agreed on 4. I thought if I had done all the biking I should finish it off with the run. I went over to the timers and asked if they were keeping track of bike laps. They said they were not. I told them that I didn't know if I did 3 or 4 laps and the wiseguy timer said, "Are you sure you didn't do 5?" Snarky timer, just what you need at that point. I have to admit, it was pretty funny. Now, after the fact, I'm sure I did 3.

I'm disappointed I didn't finish, I thought at least finishing wouldn't be a big problem. I'm pretty sure I could've done it, but I was feeling it wasn't worth the risk of a bad crash on the final lap due to fatigue or more nasty cramps. I have a major job interview later this week and I think going into it with all my teeth and no limp can only help my chances.

I did happen to notice my blubber far exceeded that of my fellow racers, mostly because they had none and I still have some. I plan to rectify that situation for Dirty Du 4 and maybe even train more than 2 weeks in advance.

I have to make a special mention of my new friend Nick who not only finished but went immediately afterwards to a 2 hour salsa dance class. I guess instead of asking himself WWJD or what would John Wanye do? He opted for what would Antonio Banderas do? Good job Senior Nick.

All in all I had a really good time. I didn't do as well as I woudda liked, but I'll be back.

The Raven visits Spooky Woods

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore - While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. Tis some visitor, I muttered, tapping at my chamber door: Only this and nothing more....



...Once upon a Halloween mild, I sat out on a bike ride wild, with brothers and sisters along we went. Through Denmans woods we did flow, not a very far way to go - for food, fun and merriment...







...Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore. Not the least obeisance made he, not a minute stopped or stayed he, But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door - Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door - Perched, and sat, and nothing more....



....Jeers and cheers and fires glowed red and even little Billy is back from the dead. Racers zoomed off into the black, but Kent's timekeeping cut them no slack...









...Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'...



...Cruiser bikes by firelights; grown men and women race like tykes. Einstein surveys all - and all he likes...







...And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting on the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door; And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming, And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted - nevermore!